Heisman Winner [136449]
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THE RH TIG RECRUITING ROUND UP IS HERE!!!
Feb 1, 2012, 4:16 PM
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Signing day is over and here is how Tigernet's premier anonymous self-proclaimed internet recruiting expert sees the Tiger's day....
Travis Blanks – An RH Tig prep All American and 5 star recruit, Blanks is a big, physical defensive back that somehow understands the mystical secret of how to tackle. Big, fast, and shifty, Blanks has the ability to come in to Clemson and make an immediate impact by possibly showing others how to tackle. Blanks reminds me of former cinematic superhero Blankman. Because I just saw the movie a few weeks ago. And I’m sort of ashamed to admit that. It was a horrible movie.
Patrick DeStefano – An RH Tig 5 star prep All American, DeStefano is a huge pickup for the Tigers. Had Clemson not been able to close on DeStefano, we would have been completely shut out on recruits of Italian heritage, meaning this class would have virtually zero leadership on team spaghetti supper night. DeStefano has a huge upside of already being enrolled in school, plus he’s a stand up guy and he ain’t no freakin’ rat. DeStefano reminds me of Joe Pesci, except he IS here to amuse you.
Germone Hopper – Hopper is a 5 star RH Tig prep All American at the WR position, and a huge pickup for the Tigers. It’s obvious that our coaches are anticipating a match up down the road with the University of Hawaii, and the subsequent national media headlines that a huge game from Hopper will generate: “Was It Over When The Germone Bombed Pearl Harbor?”. Hopper reminds me of cinematic great Dennis Hopper. Of course I mean the cool, rebellious Easy Rider Dennis Hopper, and not the later in his career old creepy drunk Dennis Hopper.
Jay Guillermo – Guillermo is a highly decorated offensive lineman widely considered to be the best prep center in the nation, and was named first team on BOTH of the nation’s two most prestigious prep All American teams, the ESPN and the RH Tig. Guillermo is the Tigers only recruit of Spanish heritage this year, and is expected to come in with a head start on the rest of this year’s signing class in both swordsmanship and inquisition-style torture techniques. Guillermo reminds me of Generalissimo Francisco Franco in that even though he’s still dead, he’s still feared.
Carlos Watkins – Watkins is another RH Tig 5 star defensive lineman that Tiger fans are going to love to watch. This kid is so mean…so nasty…so rapacious, that he actually uses puppies to beat kittens to death. This is a kid that whose mission on every snap is to find new ways to twist an opponent’s extremities to angles at which the human body was just not designed to flex. Watkins thrives on delivering physical agony to those who would dare line up against him. Watkins reminds me of Alexander Karelin. The reference might be too obscure for most, so Google it and see what I’m talking about.
Shaquille Lawson - Lawson is a RH Tig 5 star pickup on the defensive line. A local product out of the nearby Daniel High School pipeline, Lawson anchored a stingy Lion defense that very seldom allowed opposing offenses to even cross into Pickens County. Lawson will provide the Tigers with an immediate depth of players named Shaquille…Clemson having pulled in Shaquille Anthony last year. This kind of depth with our Shaquilles is something the Tigers have been missing for years, and will vault Clemson into the realm of the nation’s elite, multi-Shaquille programs. Lawson reminds me of a young Dwight Freeney, mostly because Freeney is such a fun word to say.
Chad Kelly – When offensive coordinator Chad Morris went looking for someone to run his complex offensive scheme, he made a checklist of the necessary attributes he was looking for. Strong arm? Check. Highly intelligent? Check. Master of Twitter psychological warfare? Check. Mad rhyming skillz? Check. What Morris came away with was RH Tig 5 star quarterback Chad Kelly, who is the COMPLETE package. Kelly reminds me of Kelly Gaines, who anchored Woody Boyd all the way to a championship. Well, maybe not a championship, but most certainly a huge underdog victory in landing a Boston city council seat on the TV show Cheers.
Zac Brooks – Brooks is a RH Tig prep All American 5 star recruit in spite of being handicapped with the loss of the ‘k’ at the end of his first name at a very early age. I love the way this guy has fought to overcome that, and has blossomed into a gridiron star even without the use of the missing consonant. Brooks was also named to the RH Tig Prep All Dreadlock team for 2011, another milestone in overachievement given his alphabetical incapacity. Brooks reminds me of NFL All Dreadlock running back Marshawn Lynch.
Cordrea Tankersley – Tankersley is a 5 star pickup projected as a defensive back at the next level. In speaking with coaches, the biggest issue that Clemson faces with this kid is coming up with a catchy nickname for him. Sometimes a kid’s name just doesn’t lend itself to the creative process of developing a cool nickname, but it looks like our staff was willing to take a chance on this kid and hope they might be able to develop some kind of suitable nickname on down the road. Tankersley reminds me of former Chappelle’s Show great Charlie Murphy. Seriously…go do a Google image search.
Oliver Jones – In an effort to bring a little old world culture to Clemson football, our coaches scoured the high school ranks for a worthy player with an imminently British sounding name. Luckily, they found Oliver Jones, an RH Tig Recruiting Service 5 star offensive tackle. While this kid might be a little raw in terms of his ability to eat fish and chips with malt vinegar, our staff sees a tremendous upside in his size and appetite, and think that he has a great chance to be one of the team’s best ever in consuming traditional British cuisine. Jones reminds me of Bridget Jones, which is another horrible, horrible movie that I’m also ashamed to say I watched, but at least this one was because I let my wife talk me into it.
T.J. Burrell – Burrell is both a 5 star recruit and an RH Tig All Baywatch-Sounding Name first teamer. Burrell is a tough kid. We need tough kids. Tough kids are very tough, but they’re tough to find. I like toughness, and it’s tough to argue that this kid is not tough, because he is. I just said that. Burrell is touted as kind of a hybrid-type player, so I guess he reminds me of D1ck Butkus’ head on Lawrence Taylor’s body with Mike Singletary’s legs and Junior Seau’s arms, with Ray Lewis’ semi-automatic pistol tucked into the waistband of Nick Buoniconti’s pants.
Martin Aiken – Aiken is a 5 star RH Tig Recruiting Service recruit, and also marks a shrewd move by the Clemson staff to bring in more kids named after cities and towns in South Carolina. I know our staff is currently looking for kids named Barnwell, Dillon, Gaffney, Lockhart, Norris, and Woodruff in the next few cycles, but Aiken is a good start. Aiken reminds me of former New York Giant Sam Aiken, mostly because the only other Aiken I could think of was Clay Aiken, and Clay Aiken is not exactly the defensive product that Clemson is looking to put on the field anymore…at least since the Orange Bowl.
Ronnie Geohaghan – Geology is the study of rocks. Geography is the study of the lands, features, inhabitants, and phenomena of Earth. Geohaghan is obviously the study of haghan, so it is impressive that our staff has not just gone out and gotten a scientist, but an entire science! Another RH Tig 5 star recruit, Geohaghan reminds me of Carmen Sandiego.
Bradley Pinion – With Pinion, once again steals the only RH Tig 5 star kicker in the nation and the first team punter/placekicker on the prestigious RH Tig Prep All American Team. Pinion is 6’6”, which by the laws of physics means that the ball is already a couple of yards downfield before Pinion ever even kicks the ball. Based on Pinion’s height, he is guaranteed a stellar career as he is already vertically superior to the tallest kickers and punters in NFL history who top out at 6’5”. Pinion reminds me of Sav Rocca, who was both the tallest punter and the oldest rookie in NFL history.
Marty Williams – Williams is a 5 star RH Tig Recruiting Service pickup who played quarterback in high school. Although very athletic and versatile, Williams does not project as a QB in Chad Morris’ system due to his lack of Twitter and rapping skills. Also known as a vicious tackler, it is widely believed that the Clemson coaches will use him more in a position where he can viciously tackle people. Williams reminds me of Brian Dawkins, who is the last remnant of those glory days when Clemson defenders actually viciously tackled people viciously.
Jay Jay McCullough –Another RH Tig 5 star pickup, McCullough is a physical freak who could play a variety of positions for the Tigers. This is a kid who almost falls into the category of being that rare RH Tig 6 star player. Although very close, Fort Mill is not Rock Hill, which as we all know is the fertile recruiting ground where the vast majority of 6 star players come from. Nonetheless, McCullough is an intriguing player because he opts to spell his name out twice instead of simply relying on initials. This is exactly the kind of old school mental toughness that our staff has placed a premium on for this recruiting cycle. Physically, McCullough reminds me of former Clemson great and Tampa Bay practice squad legend Rendrick Taylor.
Josh Brown – Brown is a vastly underrated recruit who earned a 5 star status from the RH Tig Prep Expert Recruiting Service. Brown has a very easily pronounced name, which makes it a much less daunting task for coaches to yell at him. This is exactly what coaches mean when they say a kid is highly coachable. This is also the main reason why our staff backed off from recruiting Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. Brown reminds me of former NFL great and star of numerous blaxploitation films Jim Brown.
D.J. Reader – Reader was the kind of huge signing day surprise that Clemson fans have come to expect from this coaching staff, as Coach Swinney and company managed to sway the #1 ranked player in North Carolina according to the highly respected RH Tig Prep Recruits Ranking Service. Reader is also a first team RH Tig Football-Baseball Combo All American, which is an even more impressive accolade. There is even speculation among the experts that Reader could be the catalyst to bringing back the Clemson swim team, were he to commit to swimming on it. Reader reminds me of Bo Jackson, since it is proven science that only the absolute greatest athletes can excel at both football AND baseball.
Isaiah Battle – Many of you that follow the RH Tig Recruiting Service’s insightfully expert analysis will remember that Battle signed with the Tigers last year but did not matriculate. I’ve upgraded Battle to an RH Tig 6 star recruit, because whenever you have to sign a guy TWICE to get him on campus then it’s understood that he is an exceptional football player that is coveted by every elite program in the NCAA. Battle reminds me of Chesty Puller, because everyone knows that you have to win the battles in order to win the war.
Kevin Dodd – Dodd is another player that signed with the Tigers last year and we seemingly have won the intense recruiting war a second time to steal him away from such notable programs as Hutchinson Community College and Georgia Military College. Dodd was an RH Tig 5 star recruit out of high school, and is currently the #2 ranked prep school player in the nation behind Isaiah Battle according to the prestigious RH Tig Prep School Player Report. Dodd also signs again this year and has been upgraded to a 6 star like Battle. Dodd reminds me of former senator Chris Dodd, mostly because that dude’s head is abnormally freaking huge for an old white guy, and it renders a disturbing image every time I hear the name Dodd.
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